The Tale of the Deodorant Thief

Posted by Jen on Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 @ 10:55 pm

This week, someone stole deodorant from my backpack on the way into work. I was so confused (and slightly amused?) by this odd form of theft that it inspired me to write a sort of “flash fiction” about it. The first bit is actually what happened to me while the part after the break is my attempt to jump into the brain of a Deodorant Thief.

I wish I had an iced coffee, I think, as the train rumbles into the station, brakes squealing. My feet shift into a surfer’s stance to keep me from stumbling, although the claustrophobic number of 9 to 5ers crammed into the car ensures I won’t fall. I glance at the page number in my Raised by Wolves hardcover before closing it on my finger. And today I really wish my train ride was more than seven point five minutes so I could find out what’s going on with Bryn’s werewolf pack.

We spill from the car and onto the platform like a swarm of bees. Elbows jostle me. I keep my face forward just like everyone else around me. My feet tread a familiar path to the stairs, to the exit. There are hundreds of people but no words. Just a steady pound of footsteps on concrete, and the occasional whir of the World Trade Center construction nearby.

I take one step, and then another, each one taking me away from the billowing exhaust cloud and closer to the street. Bringing my book up to my side, I fold it back open and let my eyes scan the words again. No need to watch where I’m going. I’ve done this so many times, I might as well take these precious seconds to read.

As I take another step up, I feel a small vibration at my back. I stiffen, always paranoid of sneaky fingers in the midst of so much movement. I crane my neck over my shoulder to find myself looking down at a nicely dressed middle-aged man, face forward, looking nowhere near my backpack or seeming at all alarmed I’m eyeing him. The only odd thing about him is the ratty baseball hat he’s wearing with his crisply pressed suit. Somewhat satisfied, I turn back to my book.

—————-

I can’t believe she didn’t catch me. I was sure I’d been made when she turned around. Guess I don’t look all that fearsome, huh? I bet I could steal everyone’s deodorant here, and they’d never even expect me. I blend. I’m like smoke.

Or better yet, a ninja!

I watch the girl stride off away from me, backpack flap hanging open, feeling kind of lucky I found what I was looking for so easily. I mean, I knew she looked like the kind of girl who carries an extra stick of deodorant around with her.

Okay, so I tried three backpacks before hers, but still. I knew somehow when I saw her. Maybe I’m lucky or maybe I’m psychic. Hmm, maybe if I don’t get this job, I can try out my newfound ability in Atlantic City this weekend.

I make my way outside to the suffocating humidity and tell myself for the twenty-seventh time what a moron I am for scheduling the Interview of a Lifetime on the hottest day of the year, sleeping through my alarm clock so that I don’t have time to shower and then, THEN, forgetting the most important thing in the world for someone with the Interview of a Lifetime on the hottest day of the year who has forgotten to shower. DEODORANT.

I may be psychic, but obviously that’s not stopping me from being a moron.

Luckily (or psychically?), Miss Oblivious Nose-In-Her-Book-While-Walking has delivered me just what I need. I sniff the deodorant stick and gasp at the overwhelming girl smell it has. Another suit-clad man walks by me and raises his eyebrows.

“I know how this might look,” I say to him, but he just turns his face forward and trots away from me.

Okay, so maybe sniffing chick deodorant on a New York City sidewalk isn’t the best way to blend in like smoke. Whatever, it can’t get any worse, right? I stare down at the deodorant, taking a few more quick whiffs. Geez, why does it have to smell like roses and vanilla candles? I mean, really. Of all things.

“It looks like I have three choices here,” I mutter to myself. “No deodorant for the interview of a lifetime. Attempt to steal some dude’s deodorant. Or, suck it up and put on the roses.”

I close my eyes and wait for my new Spidey senses to tell me what to do.